imaginex | Inbox for Recolle

[In his arms she goes then, and gladly once Howard begins petting her. She sits neatly in the crook of his arms, purring deeply. Sakura can only smile at her spoiled child before nodding to the nearby couch.]

Here, we can sit...

Hmm.

[He's quite gentle with the cat, even bending his head to place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. Howard follows, moving to sit down on the couch, slender fingers rubbing over the sleek fur of the animal in his arms.]

Anyways, I have...something to say. If you don't want to say something first, Sakura. I won't interrupt.

... No.

[A shake of her head as she also sits, hands primed in her lap. There's a knot in her stomach, a familiar-building pressure whenever she's unsure of which way a conversation will flow, but she keeps it off her face.]

Whatever you want to tell me, I'll listen.

...

[Alright. That's fine. Howard stares at her for a moment, suddenly looking extremely self-conscious. It's one thing to play out a conversation in one's mind in the quiet interior of a car, and quite another to face a person and say what you want to say.]

[There's an awkward silence before he clears his throat and speaks, hesitantly:]

Sakura...if I was a bad person, in my past life, that Retrospec life...would you think of me any differently?

[Senpai... Would you be able to forgive me, if I become a bad person?

Her heart stops--

"No. I'd get mad if you do something bad. I'd be more mad than anybody else."

--and she clutches her chest--

"-- I'm glad. I'd want you to do that."

-- as if she's a sea creature on land and can't breathe the air. Such a short, sweet memory of a boy Sakura thinks that other girl might've loved with all her heart, that she almost bursts into tears with the weight of it.

It isn't fair, how her hand is forced to sympathy before she can even comprehend what Howard asks of her. She sits on the couch and trembles, and almost starts to laugh.]

... Would you?

[Voice quiet]

If I were a bad person, what would you say?

...

[That...isn't an answer he's expecting.]

[He expects her to say yes, or no, or cry that he's a different person, maybe, from that person of the past. But the question turned back on him shocks him. Sakura...a bad person?]

[He gapes for the moment, unsure how to even respond for the moment, before he shakes his head.]

I'd...I'd just...I'd just say that you're still my friend. I mean, if you're talking about being a bad person now...I'd be sad that you were bad, but...

[He rests his chin against the cat, who purrs and rubs up alongside it.]

You've done so much for me, Sakura, that I don't think it would matter to me...am I foolish, for thinking that?

[Frankly? She doesn't know if Howard is foolish or not, and it's a moment before she can offer an answer, head still bowed. She knows what the Matou girl wanted -- someone to scold her and show her the right way, because maybe she'd been beaten off the path long ago -- but she isn't a Matou, she's a Tohsaka.

With agonizing care, she tucks the memory out of sight, out of mind. No matter how foolish her current reasons, it's not an answer she can bear to look at.]

... No, I don't think you're foolish. [She brings her knees up, rests her chin on them, (unknowingly taking the position the Matou girl had when talking to her senpai, it's best she doesn't know)]

I think people are like that. We can't lose the people we care for, so even if they're bad... we want to stay beside them.

[She thinks of Shinji, the girl's brother, the monster who had abused her, and how in every memory he appeared, there was only disappointment, sadness, love... but no hatred.]

... I don't know. [She hesitates] No, I-- I don't want there to be something wrong with that.

Hm. Perhaps you're right. If that person is bad, and yet shows you nothing but kindness and acceptance...I'd think it'd be very hard to throw them away.

[Like John, with his vines. John, who in his memories, was a man who was considering his offer of killing some men. John, who probably hid more secrets behind that wide smile than Howard knew.]

[Which does bring him back to the point. The singular point he wants to talk about. He heaves a sigh - he doesn't know how this will go over. Even his hands are trembling.]

But anyways...you didn't answer my question. If I was...

[A pause. He furrows his eyebrows.]

Wait. Let me rephrase that. Sakura. [He turns his head, stares right at her, his dark gaze unwavering even though he feels the beat of his heart thumping hard in his ears.]

...If I was a monster in my past life, would you think of me any differently?

... Eh?

[She'll meet his glance, crawl out of her spinning thoughts and focus on his question with open surprise. He says the word "monster" like he's every demon that hides under the beds of children at night, and even for a girl who's grown up dreaming of monsters inside her closet, she can't marry the two concepts together.

... But she is that girl whose love of the supernatural has been years in the making, and after befuddlement comes a softer look.]

Of course not.

[It really is that simple.]

Of course not.

[He repeats it. Honestly, he'd be lying if he didn't have a feeling that she would answer exactly that.]

[He leans back on the couch, stares up at the ceiling - the cat in his arms mews questioningly, to which he replies with a few pets on the head. After a long silence, he closes his eyes, his voice low:]

...Sakura, I'm about to tell you some things that I haven't told anyone. And I'm doing it to...let you understand why I did what I did back there. With Mateus.

[It's not an excuse, he knows that. He lets out a sigh.]

...I just don't know what to think anymore.

... Okay.

[With a statement like that, she has no choice but to sit and listen, does she? And perhaps this is what Howard had meant to talk about in the first place, upon requesting to meet her in her small apartment.

With a nod, she sets her chin back on her knees]

I promise to listen.

[She waits quietly for him to start]

Remember that night on the subway? The one in the tunnel? The one with the...strange horror film. Some kind of monster.

[He pauses, remembering Sakura's reaction to it. An instant arrow to end it all. His thoughts wander for a brief moment - would he ever see that arrow pointed at him, someday...?]

Anyways... [He raises a hand, slides it down his face, though he moves it back up right away to cover his eyes.] I had a memory. From Retrospec. I guess what I saw must have made me recall it or something. And it's so strange, just felt like a dream, because there was this child standing in front of me. And I was standing over the child, and the child was very scared. And my shadow, Sakura, my shadow was...

[A sudden horror passes through him, a swell of emotion, a pathetic feeling of helplessness, like what he saw is inevitable in every shape and form. It's like some albatross on his back, a chain around his neck. The truth will set you free? He doesn't feel free. He feels quite the opposite.]

[Trapped, like an animal in a cage.]

[It's a struggle to speak up again, because his voice is already choked up. He barely can get the words out.]

It w-wasn't shaped like a human being.

[... Ah.

Then...

Her guess wasn't off after all, and unbidden, Sakura feels her breathing still. There had been room for error, of course. Howard could have meant many types of "monsters", and humans have long since proved themselves able to take the form of any evil. Just look at a history book.

His confession doesn't change her answer, not one bit. There's an entirely different reason she feels her hands tremble in her lap.]

It's okay, Howard-san.

[Her voice is a low tone that she can only hope is soothing for the both of them.]

It's scary, isn't it? ... The thought that you might not be human.

[For the second time that day, he feels his eyes start to water. The thought that you might not be human. That he's something else, that he's an alien, that as try as he might, he'll never counted as a human being.]

[Retrospec brings memories of the past, yes. But god, it would be so easy if it was just memories. But when is the day going to come where he's going to wake up and not recognize himself in the mirror. Will he just stay in bed forever, hoping to sleep the rest of his life away? Would they come after him with pitchforks and torches? Would he be like some Gregor Samsa, hated by his loved ones, doomed to die by the same hands who reached out kindly to him?]

[He lets out a laugh, like he just told a joke, but he's shaking like a leaf.]

Maybe I'm just mistaken. I-I mean, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. I worry too much. I make things bigger than they are. I've done that for my entire life.

[He hasn't gotten a lot of memories back. Good hearing doesn't mean he's a monster. The fact that he had tentacles for hands? Maybe he's an actor. He stars in horror films. Wouldn't that be nice? The idea of it all just being a role instead of cold, unnatural reality?]

That's why, when Mateus offered...I wanted nothing but to take it. To see the truth and then hide it away. And then go back to my normal life. Without magic, without subway cars, without monsters. I just want to be me.

[The tears are already streaking down his cheeks.]

I don't want to be something else.

Edited (typoooo) 2018-01-24 04:11 (UTC)

[Staring into her lap and listening to him talk, Sakura almost misses the trail of tears on his cheeks, and inhales sharply when she turns to look his direction. It's the kind of grief that's palatable, thick enough to breath in.]

Howard-san...

[It isn't right, how she can't think of any words to comfort him with, and she stares helplessly from his face to her hands as her mind wheels in useless circles. Powerless by Retrospec's design; she should be used to it by now instead of feeling heat collect like venom in her chest. Her hands clench into fists.]

But you are you, even if things are... different from what you thought they'd be.

[It's a sentiment that's been lobbied at her time and time again: she's Sakura, the same one she's always known, born from this world and these experiences. Whatever the truth is, be it their souls come from different worlds, Retrospec can't change who they are as people.

... Wouldn't it be nice if things were actually that simple? What should be a strong stance turns into more of a plea, Sakura only half-believing what she's telling him. Because--

Because...]

It isn't your fault.

[A sudden switch in tactics, and the heat in her chest burns hotter for it. A shadow crosses over her voice.]

You didn't ask for any of this to happen to you. Of course you'd want someone to help. [There are fists again, bunched against her skirt and pull at the fabric] And Mateus-san promised, didn't it? How were you to know it'd lie?

[And a girl would've been sacrificed on that altar as a result, but she doesn't care right now, Penelope isn't one of her own, she doesn't care--]

None of this is fair.

[A break in her voice running like a crack in a mirrow]

We don't want to be different.

Yes. Yes, everyone keeps saying that our past lives, or whatever Retrospec wants to call it, will just remain exactly that: past lives. We're different people from them. But the fact that we're getting these memories, our appearances are changing...

[A shudder passes through him.]

It's like a parasite, trying to take over. It's like that man will rip off my skin and wear it and I just won't be...me, anymore.

[And how hollow he feels, saying that! The cat chirps up at him questioningly, but he only moves his head to stare straight ahead, eyes as glassy as those of fish.]

I feel like I'm drowning again, Sakura. But this isn't the ocean. Even the ocean isn't this cruel.

[He finally turns some of his attention to her, eyebrows raising at the crack in her voice. We?]

[What could that imply...?]

We're...trapped in this together, aren't we?

[Her words imply far more than she bargained for, but in this state she can't help it. The helplessness is too raw, as is the frustration, the anger. Howard says it feels like he's drowning and she can relate so much that it aches.]

... Yes. We are.

[There's defeat in that reply, like she's given up. With a tired sigh, Sakura buries half of her face in her knees]

I'm sorry, Howard-san. If I knew what to do, I would've tried already.

[Her voice is much quieter than before with the fire snuffed out of her.]

... I... I had wanted to go with Mateus-san, too. [Does he know that? Did he ever suspect? Sakura's refusal had not been a strength, just a fear of disappointing everyone. In terms of nobility, she never had the high ground.] But it seemed too good to be true, so I...

It's okay, Sakura. I don't expect you to do anything. You don't need to apologize.

[It's not her fault. He knows that. He knows that too well.]

You wanted to go with him too? Because of your... [A pause. He feels awkward, prying, because he is a deeply introverted person and doesn't ever want to push others into revealing things when he himself would hate it if someone did it to him. But still, he's concerned. Sakura is obviously upset too, but for reasons beyond him.]

I'm glad you didn't go. [He finally says.] I don't ever want you to be hurt.

[She smiles at him, not so gone that she can't show her appreciation of the sentiment, though there's still something sad and quiet to her now.]

... Because of my memories, yes. [She finishes for him and trains her eyes to the front.]

It said it could make them disappear... and I wanted to believe it.

[Because she wants nothing more than that wish to come true, just as much as she hates Mateus for correctly guessing her weakness. Deep down, there is no strength to her. At least Howard had been willing to follow through for his own sake.]

...I wish it could've been true. That way, both of us wouldn't have to live with any of this.

[A bittersweet smile. The cat, bored that it's not getting attention, jumps off of his lap. He leans forward, buries his face in his hands.]

At least you can be glad you're not like me. To have to deal with what I have to now deal with...

[... Silent, she turns her head away from him, to stare at the path Akemi cuts through the living room on her way to the kitchen. Probably to check the food bowl for any scrapes left. She should fill it soon, it's nearly their dinner time, and she's--

She's stalling, she realizes -- as if that's ever a surprise. For the umpteenth time she buries her sight into her knees, speaking out quietly]

Howard-san... do you remember when we were down in the subway car? The one with the TV.

...Yes. The one with the horror movie?

[The one which Sakura hated so much that she destroyed the screen with an arrow. He lifts his head, a questioning look on his face. What is she bringing it up for?]

[Is it...something she knows?]

Why do you ask?

[Ha. Haha. Horror movie. Well he's not exactly wrong and so Sakura almost laughs for it, but then doesn't, knowing that the sound will be broken if she tries.

She keeps her eyes (closed now) against her knees.]

I watch horror movies all the time, since I was a child.

[They're her lullabies and don't scare her anymore.]

That was something else.

[Then why was she scared? That doesn't make sense then. If she's familiar with them, why act that way? Why be so...drastic, in removing it from her sight?]

...Did it...remind you, of something?

Inbox for Recolle

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)